Rules of Engagement

06. October 2014 Truth 0

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A few years ago whilst speaking to our marital mentors, they mentioned that when they were in the early stages of their relationship they decided to right down some basic relationship “household rules” for each other, just so things were clear from the beginning and the expectations and boundaries were set. So this week we finally got to the task and started talking about some of our own rules. It’s still a work in progress but i thought it would be interesting if i shared some of those rules with you and got your opinion. I’ll be honest, most of the rules originated from yours truly, maybe because i generally have more to say and i naturally over think things, but once we started to discuss things i managed to get a bit more than “more snacks in the house” from Tapi. We didn’t agree on everything but here’s a bit of what we talked about.

Mati:  We go to bed together : I function better with structure in my life. I need to feel like I’m in some kind of system. It’s weird to some. Tapi can’t handle it. E.g. He’s always trying to get us to swap sides of the bed, just to “try something different” I’m like…But why? The thought of that actually freaks me out…He doesn’t like structure or routine so it frustrates him that I want to go to bed at the same time everyday and that I MUST sleep on MY side of the bed every night on MY pillow…this structure thing is an issue…all will be revealed further below.

Tapi: We must try to be Spontaneous: This goes back to the whole structure conversation…Tapi thinks of an idea, he must act now, or he sees something he likes, he must buy it there and then. I prefer if things are planned so I’m a bit more mentally prepared. I blame my dad,  “ Mati you must always have a plan, have a plan A and a plan B”. However i am learning that apparently variety is the spice of life. Is that how the saying goes? Anyway… i get it. Life would be boring without a BIT of spontaneity.

Mati: No sleeping in the other room : Tapi at times prefers to sleep in the other room especially if he’s upset with me…probably because I want to keep “talking about it” when he doesn’t want to. This leads me to my next rule.

Mati: When someone is upset we must talk about it before bed : No going to bed upset with each other…I like to talk things through, nip it in the bud before it gets out of control. Tapi calls it confrontation and prefers to sleep on it till the next day when we’re both not so emotional…thoughts anyone? After discussing this one at length with a girlfriend i concluded that after an arguement guys can simply roll over and fall asleep.Women on the other hand we keep replaying the situation the words, tossing and turning getting angrier at the fact that he is ACTUALLY sleeping.

Tapi: Speak to me nicely : Ok, I don’t yell but Iet’s just say I can be overly assertive at times. I grew up in a house where people shout. They laugh really loudly they are always in your face, hardly knock before entering…you get the picture.  To tell the truth i only realised this was actually shouting when i spent my first night at Tapi’s house and people spoke so gently. Poor Tapi struggled initially to tell the difference between when my dad is angry or happy because he just shouts 24/7… So i guess i can understand how my tone can translate to aggression towards him.

Mati: No friends of the opposite sex that we’re not both friends with : My husband is a friendly guy, he befriends anyone and has a special gift of making people feel good about themselves. I love that about him, but sometimes in this  world where the ratio of men to woman is dwindling at an exponential rate, his personality tends to confuse some women. Before you start judging me, I know, at this point i sound like one of those crazy insecure african wives. Not the case at all. I am just a firm believer in protecting your relationship and managing the friendships we bring into our marriage, even those of the same sex.These people can have a strong influence in your relationship. Beware the company you keep.

This week I’m wearing a piece by my girls at Cocoseed. These girls are the company i like to keep. Cocoseed are one of many budding Zimbabwean labels creating clothing  is for every woman out there. Their creations are a fusion of Zimbabwean culture with current “high street” trends and this summer “cut out” dress is a perfect example. With summer on the way this dress is so fun and flirty It even got a girl skipping. I’ve worn it with a men’s shirt to add that element of afro retro chic. If you add a pair of bright coloured heels you could have a last minute wedding outfit or pair it with a pair of white Tommies like i have and you immediately keep the look playful and fresh.

Whether you’re in a new relationship or if you’re a few years down the road I encourage you to write down and discuss some basic rules with your better half,  just so you have agreed standards to which you hold each other accountable to. It also sets a foundation rooted in love and a mutual respect and it will keep your partner madly in love with you!!

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0 thoughts on “Rules of Engagement”

  • 1
    Noreen on December 1, 2014 Reply

    Woww interesting and true

    • 2
      L'entendre on December 1, 2014 Reply

      Thank you for Taking the time to read the post! Appreciate the feedback! 😊

  • 3
    Thelma on October 15, 2014 Reply

    This is a great piece Mati. Your honesty is inspiring. Every relationship needs structure and being agreeable on the rules that will govern your relationship I think is great for nurturing the love, maintaining the trust and keeping a happy home. You guys are on the right track and are blessedly in sync.

    About this look. I love it. Ok, I don’t have a look of yours I don’t love, but this one is so carefree and fun. I like the addition of the men’s shirt and the red glasses too (I am a sucker for accessories) – super cool afro chic.

    • 4
      L'entendre on October 15, 2014 Reply

      Lol those red glasses so happened to work but I’m as blind as a bat without them!! 👀 you’re speaking to one of the OG 4 eyes! Thanks Thelma! Appreciate the love! ❤️

  • 5
    L'entendre on October 13, 2014 Reply

    Hi Rumbi!! Glad you appreciate my honesty! its always a bit scary to put yourself out there , but it makes it all worth it when i hear such awesome feedback! it is truly amazing how God brings people together and you just compliment each other! Thanks for taking the time to visit the blog 🙂

  • 6
    QuirkyKoso on October 10, 2014 Reply

    Refreshingly open and engaging – thanks Mati. Love your blog. and was so with you with all the points, swapping sides would vex me. lol. How beautiful is it that God balanced you with a spontaneous partner to bring balance to you and you to him. Beautiful! xx Rumbi

  • 7
    undere on October 9, 2014 Reply

    Loved this, again you’ve delivered a great piece. The outfit is all up in my ally, shoes especially. Never really thought of sitting down and laying down the law as you put it. This makes sense especially in our generation where we always sign up for things without reading the fine print and marriage and relationships is no exception. We definately have indirect laws that are currently one sided, my husband never goes to bed mad, if I don’t want to talk he makes me laugh at least. I prefer to stew but it’s never really possible. My rule is we are both equally responsible for the good and the bad, so before I start doing my speck check my eyes should be clear. He has a harder time with that. Definately going to formalise the rules and add some more. Thanks again Mati 😄😄😄

    • 8
      L'entendre on October 9, 2014 Reply

      Geez!!! ” Before I start doing my speck check my eyes should be clear ” …. Ummm! Whaaaa! Give us a chance please! That is so profound!!! 👀.. Ur killing me here! I might just add that rule of being equally responsible , you are so right! Wowza . I’m just going to lay in those words for a minute. #blownaway!

  • 9
    Nangi on October 8, 2014 Reply

    So I laughed quite a bit because me and my hub have the same rules. And the shouting thing too! But what a lovely blog (and dress!). Thanks for being so open :).

    • 10
      L'entendre on October 8, 2014 Reply

      Haha I’m glad u share the same thoughts! Geez I’m glad I’m the only one who struggles with this shouting thing tho. Now I’m so conscious always checking my volume levels lol. Thanks for checking out my blog Nangi! Long time no here-see( hope I have the right Nangi 😳) congrats on marriage and a new exciting journey! X

  • 11
    Anonymous on October 7, 2014 Reply

    Hi.
    Great piece. This is in my back yard. You have it right. boundaries are critical. Please note one has to appreciate boundaries need to be re-visited from time to time as they should shift as we grow.

    Being spontaneous is fantastic but with our rat race we need to ensure protected time for all the important issues as the global village will make one a complete slave. The brain is fascinating in that it is a creature of habit. Change for the majority of people will disrupt sleep. Your proposal is what we call good sleep hygiene.

    You have brought out your wisdom and style as usual. Well done.
    Bapa.

    • 12
      L'entendre on October 8, 2014 Reply

      That great advise came from you and your other half, I’m not sure if you remember telling Tapi those wise words. We’ve kept it with us! I know I touched the surface here looking forward to catching up with you guys to discuss further. Yes, we must appreciate that rules change and I’ll pass on that message in regards to sleep hygiene! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  • 13
    Tarie on October 7, 2014 Reply

    hahaha I can’t imagine you skipping but this outfit definitely cannot be worn without a smile. On the going to bed without talking out the issue rule… i’d have to side with Tapi, because although you may be in bed tossing and turning, chances are your point of view on the topic you needed to talk about maybe have shifted slightly or dramatically depending on how much sleep you do eventually end up getting. I’d just say as long as you can both still say goodnight to each other respectfully even knowing that theres an issue at hand, then chances are, after time spent sleeping (as time does effect constant change) you’ll wake up in an ever slightly better emotional state….. at least thats how I function 🙂

    • 14
      L'entendre on October 8, 2014 Reply

      You raise a good point about waking up in a slightly better emotional state. I think it ultimately depends how how easily you can “switch off” he can sleep, I can’t if we’re upset with each other. So most Likely I will be even more emotional and unreasonable in the morning , coupled with grumpy! Haha but fair point! Know ur person and meet half way maybe? Talk about it a little? Then go to bed? Haha ! btw I do skip… Make me really happy and you’ll see how I can skip! X

  • 15
    zish on October 7, 2014 Reply

    I get that whole “my side of the bed my pillow”thing my pillow knows my head it knows kuti malevels just have to be right for the hope to be proper

    • 16
      L'entendre on October 8, 2014 Reply

      Haha we laughed so hard at your post! LOL@ ma levels and the hope to be proper! Glad u feel me tho!

  • 17
    Rutendo Makombe on October 6, 2014 Reply

    That dress is just so pretty! the going to sleep together rule I actually find is important…..I find that’s when we have the time to talk about the day together, but being the wife of an architect……ya still very much work in progress!

    • 18
      L'entendre on October 6, 2014 Reply

      I completely understand that there may be nights where one has to stay up. Tapi’s deep into his MBA so there are a few nights where we agree that he will need to stay up. What I’m saying is that once it’s a rule, then you work together to make sure it hardly happens. Shift the day around, have an early dinner so he can start Working sooner, try do as much work during the weekend so weekdays aren’t as hectic. But start by discussing the rule , so that at least he knows u value that before bed time 🙂

  • 19
    theafricanisme on October 6, 2014 Reply

    This has been my favourite thus far. Yesterday, I caught myself asking whether it wasn’t time for another blog post. Loving it!!

    • 20
      L'entendre on October 6, 2014 Reply

      I Just starting reading your blog!! Loving the reality checks all over the place! From one realist to another! Love your work! Thank you for dropping the note, appreciate it!

  • 21
    Colleen on October 6, 2014 Reply

    So raw and so honest-i love it!!!!! and NO you’re not an insecure African woman, you’re just guarding your family like a true Proverbs 31 woman 🙂
    Totally digging that outfit

    • 22
      L'entendre on October 6, 2014 Reply

      Haha! Thank you honey! At least you feel me on that one, was like nhasi I’m going to look like a psycho! Oh well! Take what you will from it right?! X

  • 23
    Chrystobel Thompson on October 6, 2014 Reply

    So open and honest loved it!! Thanks for sharing such a special and private part of your life. kisses x

    • 24
      L'entendre on October 6, 2014 Reply

      It is very open ! Trust me I was second guessing myself the whole way through writing this. Wondering if in being too open? But a stronger feeling of you never know who might read this and it could change a situation for the better. So let’s hope so. Thank you love , appreciate you taking the time to read it. X

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