I am writing to you in the midst of my storm, wondering if you are with me, or if you can hear me. Well I know you can hear me, but I guess I sometimes wonder if you get tired of listening to me. I suppose I would understand if you did. You have told me to be patient. You have told me that you love me and that you have a greater plan in place for me… But I was just wondering, when will this plan actually begin to unfold? Sorry! I know I’m pretty impatient. I am trying to be better though…But surely there is nothing wrong with being pro-active? I can’t just sit and wait for you can I? For how long? Ok there I am again. I know, I’m sorry…you don’t work like that… In your time…I get it.
I guess that’s me trying to take control again. But can you blame me? Up till the last couple of years everything sort of went according to plan. So I kinda of got used it …Come to think of it. Maybe that’s why you have put me here. Is this a Test of Time? Kinda harsh though don’t you think. To put me in this place. I have never been here before. I am weak here. It scares me. You always tell me not to worry.. To worry is to not have faith. I do have faith, I know what you can do. I see where I have come from. The amazing things you have done in my life . But I don’t know how to stop worrying. Help me! I am better than i used to be though, I have moments when I’m ok, where I genuinely feel peace come over me. Where I can feel your arms around me. I even get excited because I know this is that moment. My miracle is around the corner! I wonder if i’m ready! Then I have moments when I’m like… Ok, you’re taking too long, let me just step in for a moment.. Maybe you’re busy with someone else’s miracle…you never know…So I try and take over again, then I find myself feeling even more frustrated and desperate. Anxious.
Oh yes, and I am trying not to complain… as much. But I was wondering…does talking about my frustrations classify as complaining? I’ve been doing that a lot with Tapi. I wonder if I overdo it though. I really don’t want to drag him into my storm. It’s not fair. But to be fair , he encourages me to tell him how I am feeling. I intend on being positive .I really do. I even practise before he gets home. Then I open my mouth and a sea of negativity comes gushing out of my mouth. I hate it. I know the power of words, and I chose YOU over fear a long time ago. Let’s just call it a relapse. I will keep working on it. Let me just try and explain how I’m feeling again. I get out of the boat. I start to walk towards you. But then the pressure of life starts to distract me, I start to see all these waves coming towards me, and I have no choice but to get back into the boat. Does that make me a coward? Am I too cautious? It’s the worrying again. The need to be in control… But you created me, why did you make me that way???
Someone told me though that your delays are not your denials. So I will rest in that. Keep my head up and try and enjoy this season. In brighter news. The sun came out this weekend, I got really excited and ripped some more jeans. Ok.. I took it too far. But I just decided to own the look. Those are from Factorie , Ten buks! Mens section. The denim shirt is Tapi’s. Dare to look in his cupboard when you’re stuck, you will be pleasantly surprised, especially if you are looking for an afternoon, effortless look. The flat sandals are from Hype. Fifteen bucks!! I kid you not. So futuristic, they look like they dropped out of space don’t they? I also thought I’d show you what you could do if your afternoon lead to an unplanned early dinner with some friends to cheer you up. Throw on some bold summer heels and a statement necklace and you’re ready to hit the town!
Thanks for listening. By the way, I wasn’t complaining. I was just telling you how I feel. Yours always.